Bytes!!!

Compilation of my most fav thoughts converted to status messages:

Being lonely has nothing to do with being alone but everything to do with being surrounded with the wrong people!!

We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are...

If all the love of the world is not enough and all you need is one persons love, then all your eggs are in one basket.

Make a wise investment. Invest in yourself.

The only independence is emotional independence.

 

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. - Confucius

 

Guilt is the fiercest manifestation of fear. Fear of not being right.

 

Right action or wrong action. Any action is better than no action. Act!!

 

Crime begins at home. Say NO to abuse and exploitation. 

My Gift List: The Gratitude List

I have written quite a bit on all issues that hurt me and sadden me and the like. But my life is all not all gloom and sad. There is a lot of sunshine in my rainy life and this posts dedicated to all those fortunate gifts that I have received from life. Call me proud, pompous, a brat or a brag but this is my take on my life's gifts:

1. My Family - I am blessed with a loving and caring family that has supported me in most times of my life. I am blessed that I have received love and affection and know they will be there for me irrespective of whether they agree or disagree with me. I am grateful that my family has been stern with me as well as protective of me as per the demands of the situation. This is what has turned me into a balanced person who can distinguish right from wrong and guides me towards doing good.


2. My Education - I am really happy that I am one of those better educated people with a graduation that I completed with flying colours. This is one thing that no one or nothing can snatch from me. I have had a good education - it is a constant and there is nothing transitory about it. Its done in the past and is irreversible. Period.

3. My Job - I have a job people that is a dream job for a lot of people. Although it is not a job that I enjoy thoroughly, it is a job that boosts my self worth, makes me feel important, gives me a feeling of contributing to something that makes a real difference. Whether I meet a deadline or miss the deadline makes an impact, therefore I make an impact.

4. My Friends - I am glad I have so many friends not all of them true and meant to last a lifetime but each important in their own way, each serving a different purpose in my life. I am glad that I have true friends who have been there with me through thick and thin, who have supported and cheered me when I was low and shared my happiness during my ups. I am glad I have friends from different age groups and different walks of life. They all fit neatly like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle in my life.

5. My Smile - My smile cheers me up and everyone around me. I must be one of those people who smile from the heart 'cos my smile has never failed to make me feel better nor has it ever failed in fetching me compliments from others for being so warm :) I love smiling :)

6. My Wit - Well there is no way to measure this one and it is subjective but what is most important is what I feel. I feel intelligent from the bottom of my brain (and heart of course). I have the ability to remain calm during problems and generally find a way out. My brain has brought me this far in my life be it with my education or my career. It has seldom failed me. The fact that a lot of others agree with me helps.

7. My Goodness - I think of myself as a kind, cheerful, honest, generous and helpful person who can make friends with anyone in the world. As a person, I always try to be as good as possible to others and do not wish harm to anyone irrespective of how they are to me.

Wow, writing this actually made me feel better. We are so busy chasing what we dont have that we rarely find the time to sit and savor the sweetness of what we have.  We should learn to live rather than mere exist.
You should try making a list of your gifts too!! Go ahead, jot down your prized possession and share it with me and the world here!!!

Happy Living!!!!

The New Indian Dahej (Dowry) : Bahu with a Big Fat Paycheck

Before we packed our bags and left all this behind us in the dust. We had a place that we could call home, and a life no one could touch. 

There is a lot of hype and hooplah about an Indian actress putting on an accent and calling her country "regressive" and "hypocritical" and calling the state of its women "depressing". While the papers are full of hate columns, somewhere in the corner is another column detailing the shocking statistics of domestic abuse of women in the country. Apparently we are the country with largest crime rate against women within the "safety of 4 walls of her house". And these are just the official statistics, for every one reported, there are several that go unnoticed. As an educated, independent woman of the 21st century, I have seen both sides of the coin. The life of freedom that a new age Indian woman enjoys and the abuse and ill treatment that Indian women have been facing for centuries. While the economic status of women has changed over the years, I think the condition and position of women has not really changed. Although more and more women today are juggling their personal and professional lives with great elan, they still are victimized by the same problems that their mothers or grandmothers faced. The percentage of women taking active part in the economy might have gone up but the percentage of crime against against women has not decreased.

Even today, the problem of dowry and domestic abuse is no stranger to most women. While in the past, a woman was  expected to fulfill the greed of her husbands family using her parents money, today the same greed is expected to be fulfilled by her earnings. As far as the man's family is concerned, she is the source and because traditionally a wife is expected to fulfill the demands of the husband and his family any failure to do so will put her on the guilt trip. In more ways than one a womans salary has become her nemesis. It is practically the new age dowry. She is tactically or violently exploited to meet the greed of her in-laws and she is rather helpless as she has no legal protection from the law. In case she protests, the society sees her as a selfish person with no concern to the well being of her family, a woman with no values of sharing whereas the reality is very different. Unlike in the past where it was her family that had to carry the burden of the son-in-law's greed, now the girl herself has to earn and save up for those EMIs for cars and sites. The boy loses nothing whereas the girl is left behind where she always was - helpless, dependent on the mercy of her husband and his family for her living although she is herself the provider for her family. Just goes to show that merely employment of women does not equal economic freedom for women.

Keeping in mind the changing times, its time we accepted the fact that a woman's salary has become the new age dowry and now is a threat to the very purpose it was supposed to serve - economic independence. Its also time the legal system in India recognized this change and made amends to its laws to protect its bahus from this kind of dahej.

The Many Faces of a Mother: Are Moms Gods on Earth......

I am having mixed feelings as I begin to write this post. Afterall moms are worshipped all over as being next to God. Everyone must at some point have believed that God could not everywhere so He made moms. I am not sure I agree much with this adage when I watch Meredith Grey argue that she was raised by a surgeon and not a mom. The next moment I flip the channel to watch Maa Ki Daal where the anchor and his guests are busy worshiping moms and their culinary skills. This sets me thinking if moms are universally viewed as Gods or do viewpoints differ based on cultures?

Let me start with some context. Of late, I have been going through a rough patch in life dealing with abuse and subsequent abandonment,  making me question a lot of things that I have taken for absolute truth. The one stand out question lingering on my mind is the role of parents in general and moms in particular.

Moms as most have seen, are the first teachers - they are responsible for imparting good values to sons and daughters, the confidante, the selfless nurturer, the punching bag, the treasure trove of love and many other good things. It is only the few of us unfortunate people who get to see the other evil face of a mother - as the evil mother-in-law who is ready to shatter the dreams of her kids so that her ego is satisfied. As the greedy mother who is ready is kill, brutally burn another young woman for her greed. As a self-centered person who wants her son married only and only because she will wants a maid. As a woman who is ready to kill her own daughter simply because her kid is a girl. How can any person who is able to commit any such heinous crime be anything but bad? How can anyone as selfish be labelled "selfless" or "Godly'? What good can they probably be wishing for their kids while committing these misdeeds?

The general mindset of a large section of the society seems to be give birth to a son and your life is set. He will be the "warriss", the heir who has the power to directly or indirectly fulfill all your dreams. Forget all about making him a responsible citizen or a good son, simply worry about him marrying the girl of your choice. Once married care only about how much profit you can derive from your son and his wife with scant respect towards their happiness. I feel that most Indian parents view their sons as an investment for future. Give birth to them, feed them, bring them up and marry them to the girl of your choice. The last being most important cos that will decide the rate at which these investments will reap dividends. And if you think the scenario is very different with urban, educated Indians, you should read some relationship forums where tech-savvy MILs rant about how their "sons wives" want to have a say on how they spend their own hard earned salaries and so should be gotten rid of. So much for having their sons best interests in mind although I fail to understand how on earth the son is going to benefit.

The saddest part here is not just what reality looks like but its about how an ideal mother is depicted as. In a recent TV awards program that awards characters (not actors playing them but screen characters), the character that won the award for favorite mom was a mother who is almost always verbally abusive to her sons wives, puts her regulations and restrictions before the shared dreams of her son and his wife and is on a path of breaking her sons marriage just because she does not agree with the love and dreams of her son and bahu. In short she is any persons nightmare for a mom; straight from hell. The thought that she is an ideal mother for the country makes me shiver.

If this is what mothers are supposed to be all about, then I must say I am exceptionally lucky to have the mother I have because now I know that not all mothers are gifts from God.

A Letter Of Hate: To The Woman Who Broke My House

The path to recovery is through acknowledgement, acceptance and forgiveness.
Through this letter, I try to acknowledge and accept my true feelings of hate towards the woman who wrecked my home, broke it. I know pain and I also know that hatred serves no purpose and therefore the forgiveness part.

Dear SIL,

I do not know what I should call you. A home breaker, a home wrecker, manipulative bitch, nasty, dominant and overpowering weed, a possessive sibling or a pervert sucker? Maybe all of them suit you just fine.

I thought you were naive when I let you dominate my husband. I thought you did not see the very clear marked lines between concern and interference, but I did not know that it was your intention to cross the line just so that you could wreck my life. You always hated me but I never believed you were evil enough to turn your hate into misery for me. I believed you would never do it because I thought you were genuinely concerned for your brother. But now when I see the pain that we are both having to go through and you continue and move on with your happy life in paradise, I realize you are nothing more than a selfish sadist taking pleasure in the miseries of others lives. You do not just wish for their misery, you go out there and ensure its heaped onto them. On people who love you and care for you and trust you and are protective of you. On people who pray for your well-being more than they pray for their own. Let me tell you today, that you ought to be ashamed of yourself and the things you have done. Plotting, bitching, putting others down might serve you your purpose of breaking ones home but have you ever given a thought on how it destroys another's life? Does not the trials of a person who's dreams you shattered not haunt you in the night? Can you imagine how you might feel if the same happened to you? What all would you cope with? A broken home, shattered dreams or the betrayal from someone you counted? Someone your blood and flesh.

I have heard you can only give others what you have, I therefore pray to God that you are blessed with loads of happiness and joy. So much excess of happiness that you have no choice but to give it away. You have blown my world, shattered it to pieces, broken my house. I know the pain I have had to endure and therefore genuinely wish nobody else including you goes through this pain. I wish you well. Good luck.
I sincerely hope that God showers you with goodness and you never even think of wrecking another's life.

Regards,
The Strong One

A Letter of Forgiveness: From an Abused Wife to a Husband

Dear Husband,

I understand that you must be hating me as much as I have hated you. I understand that facing my prejudice and discouragement at times have indeed taken a toll on you. I realize that probably our marriage was what it was because of our vastly different personalities.

Yet as we move on, I think you were not as mature as you should have been in handling this relationship. I understand you had demons of your own that you needed help for. Being a neglected child is not the best foundation for anyone; especially when your twin is the quintessential bratty center of attraction. This probably is the reason why you were always so unreasonable, rude, adamant and sought attention.

But I forgive you.

As a husband, you could have shown more concern when I was injured, shown more respect when your family treated me with utter disdain, showered love and care when I was low but you chose not to. I forgive you for that. I always believed being a husband and wife meant sharing our joys and sorrows and being there for each other but while you enjoyed my happy times and all that I could offer, you left me when I was injured without even saying a word or without even leaving back anything that was mine, yours or ours. You disappeared into thin air. Forgiving you for this has not been easy but I have finally found it in me to forgive you. I forgive you. For all the pain and misery that you brought onto me and my family when you say you do not want me but want all my possessions, I have for long harbored resentment against you. Today, I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I know you have had a difficult life so far and this marriage was a part of your yearning to turn your life back on track. I know it has been difficult. Today as we both look to move ahead and make fresh beginnings, I know that the path to recovery and healing is long and difficult, but I forgive you and wish from the bottom of my heart that this is that end of the tunnel where you see light. I wish most sincerely that you have a long, happy and prosperous life ahead, a life that makes up for all the sorrows you have had.

Good Luck my husband. With this marriage, you are a very significant part of me and shall always remain in my prayers.

Warm Regards,
Wife.

Law v/s Culture: Does law stand a chance against peer pressure from culture?

Peer pressure is not a word that is commonly used in a pleasant context, yet it has the power to make everyone bow to it at some point. Case in point millions of people get into drugs owing to peer pressure.

As a woman undergoing a divorce in modern day India, I feel the law stands no chance against peer pressure from the society. Of late I have realized that the need to conform to society is as abusive as the marriage itself. The stigma of a divorce, the viewpoint with which the society views you post divorce makes a person trapped in a marriage.

A lot has been said and read about how stringent our laws are and how law has ensured that women are empowered. There are sections of people who feel that the laws in India are lop-sided and anti-men, yet the crime rates against women show no signs of abating. Logically this does not make sense as laws are meant to control crime. A closer look will tell us the reason behind these crimes are not insufficient rules but it is the popular culture in the society that have made it so insufficient. I am not saying the whole Indian culture is wrong, but it has been lenient enough that the Indian society at large has misused it.

Take the example of hundreds and thousands of brides who are burnt everyday for the greed of money. Although there might be some respite with law punishing the offenders, there is no shame or stigma that these criminals suffer. These are people who have brutally murdered an innocent helpless bride within the four walls of her home. Can anyone imagine the trauma of the girl who is victimized not by outsiders but by her own family. If a girl cannot feel safe at her own house then no law can help her. On the contrary if she does come out in the open and seek the help of the law, she is ostracized by the society. In case she seeks to come out of this bondage there is a stigma that she and her family have to suffer. How fair is this system that punishes the victim but turns a blind eye towards the perpetrator of the crime.

The answer to all these questions lie in how we a society view crime against women and women in general. Women here are treated like objects of use. The attitude is if you want someone to cook and clean for you, get married. The wife becomes a maid for a lifetime. Sons are assets and daughters expenses. What the society fails to understand is that they themselves have created these stereotypes for their comfort and they do not have to conform to it under all circumstances. Society can evolve as people and the world itself has evolved. Of what use is this culture that promotes crime against women and renders them helpless and victimized. No law in the world can help a woman where crime against women is accepted in the name of "honor".

Things might change for the better in coming times, but for now women will have to bear the imbalance that this culture creates. After all "JUSTICE DELAYED IS JUSTICE DENIED". And law can do nothing but watch on.